The great thing about having kids is that nobody knows what the heck they’re doing. Every parent has to wing it.
Here, we’ve collected a list of quotes that express the absurdity and hilariousness of parenthood.
Related Quotes: The Best Parent Quotes
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. Leo J. Burke
Having a child is liking getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed. Eat Pray Love Screenplay
Great parenting lies somewhere between ‘don’t do that!’ and ‘ah, what the hell!’ Unknown
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.Michael Levine
Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Tina Fey
Mother (n.) : One person who does the work of twenty. For free. Unknown
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. Franklin P. Jones
Yes, having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. Bill Cosby
Dearest children: If you don’t want your nap, can mommy have it? Unknown
You can’t scare me. I have children! Garfield
I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”. Unknown
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. Roseanne Barr
Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless. Tina Fey
You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation. Unknown
It is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. They will believe anything you say. How do you not prank such innocence? John Stewart
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Bill Cosby
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. Ray Romano
Welcome to parenthood! Hope you didn’t like peeing alone! Unknown
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you. Peter De Vries
I always worry about the safety of my children. Especially of the daughter who is talking back to me right now. Unknown
Now the thing about having a baby — and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this — is that thereafter you have it. Jean Kerr
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle
Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. Marcelene Cox
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed Asner
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for. Ogden Nash
Parenting is saying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Oddly enough, that is the definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not! Unknown
Mothers are all slightly insane. J.D. Salinger
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver
Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves. Unknown
The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed. Unknown
My children love my mother, and I tell my children ‘That is NOT the same woman I grew up with…that is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.’ Bill Cosby
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. Fran Lebowitz
Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in close and whisper, it’s much scarier. Unknown
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse
First child eats dirt. Parent calls doctor. Second child eats dirt. Parent cleans out mouth. Third child eats dirt. Parent wonders if she really needs to feed him lunch. Unknown
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby
The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest. Unknown
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. Bill Cosby
Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. par
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. Michelle Pfeiffer
Mom, what is… normal? It’s just a setting on the drier, honey. Unknown
If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” Susan Savannah
As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter. Andrew K. Keller
Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. Dave Barry
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. Bill Vaughan
I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. Brian Andreas
If John Lennon was right that life is what happens when you’re making other plans, parenthood is what happens when everything is flipped over and spilling everywhere and you can’t find a towel or a sponge or your “inside” voice Kelly Corrigan
I used to have brain cells, but then I traded them in for children. Unknown
Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. Marilyn Penland
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
